2 Corinthians 4:6 For God, who said, “Let light shine in the darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. 

I’m 3 weeks into training camp and I gotta say, I love it here. I love the quiet mornings and the sunrise and the volleyball matches and the rounds of mafia and the sabbath. I have even learned to love the porta-potties, and the caterpillars and my tent, which faithfully remained dry over the recent downpours that have flooded my campsite. I love my squad, which is full of incredible brothers and sisters who aren’t afraid to ask me how I’m really doing, and I love my team, five other amazing women who value me and listen to me. It took a few days, but I’ve settled into a routine that has made the time fly past. Not everything is easy, though. 

I’m church sick. I miss my home church. AIM is opposite of the traditional church that I’m used to, and it has been difficult to transition. I praise God because I had such an exceptional upbringing and solid foundation for my faith. I have seen and known the glory of God through scripture and tradition, through preachers and psalms. But I don’t want to just see the side of God I have always seen. I want to step into every faucet of God that he wants me to. I want to Know God as fully as I can, and sometimes that means to travel into places I haven’t been before. Last Tuesday was a travel day. 

A woman named Caroline came to speak to us about miracles. Now, I love miracles as much as the next person, but that’s easy to say when you’ve only read about them. (I’m defining “miracle” as a physical, unnatural sign of God’s power) I’m not comfortable with a God who I can’t explain or control. I’m scared of the Holy Spirit because of His power. 

To some extent, I should be scared. If I believe the God of the Bible is the same today as he was 2,000 years ago, I have to believe that he is terrifyingly powerful, uncontrollable, and untouchable. He is a HOLY God whose very nature demands not mere reverence, but literal fear from his creatures. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t also love us, hear us, know us, and care for us, but we have to remember how much bigger than us He really is.

Caroline talked about physical miracles, and towards the end she said we would “do something fun”. I assumed we would play a game. Instead she instructed us to pray for our squad mates’ physical injuries and ask God for them to be healed. This was too much for me. I was physically trembling as I said, “God, I’m afraid of your Spirit, and I don’t believe in miracles. I’m sorry.” Now this is where I saw the goodness of our God. He didn’t rebuke me for my unbelief. He didn’t shame me for my fear. He didn’t send a fiery sign from heaven that would terrify me into belief. He repeated a message that I knew, a promise I had stored in my heart, “Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Great God, who cares more about me than my doubts and fears! Great God, who didn’t need to prove his power to me; instead he affirmed His love. 

The story of Thomas was brought to mind. He is often known as “doubting Thomas”, or the disciple who couldn’t muster enough faith. I felt very close to Thomas on Tuesday, with everyone else praying around me, believing so ardently in the power of God and not shrinking from the Holy Spirit. How he must have felt among the disciples, wanting to believe all the wonderful things they were telling him, but not able to. He must have felt very small. Christ didn’t leave Thomas in his doubt and grief, however, Jesus came to him and showed him the scars on his hands and side. Thomas was the only disciple that touched the raw places where our perfect Savior was marred for us, the eternal scars of divine love. Christ cared more about Thomas’ heart than his doubt. He wasn’t resentful for Thomas’ unbelief, nor did he reveal himself with fire and glory, no, Christ came to Thomas and said, “Peace be with you! Put your finger where I was pierced for your transgressions; put your hand where I bled for your iniquities. Stop doubting and believe that all the good things you have heard can be true.” 

Miracles happen, I know this. Maybe I’ll be honored to see one some day. Maybe that day will be on the Race. But there are more astonishing things than the supernatural wonders God utilizes to pronounce His Name. God loves me, ardently, fiercely, completely. What a miracle, that he spoke into the darkness of my heart and drew forth marvelous light. What a miracle, that faith lives inside me, that his scripture speaks to me, that he chooses to reveal his precious character to me. Great God! What miracles I have seen! What a miracle I am, that he would use this trembling child to tell others of his miracle of love and grace and hope.